Or... HAIL THE DAY Part 2
A prior warning, that some of this content is incredibly deep, incredibly personal, with views uneducated, feelings unchallenged, and vision lacking confidence and direction.
So, I admit, I am not the most religious person in church. And, If I were invited to a Said Service or a Bible Study, I would gently find the right words and politely decline attendance. - Its just, not, me!
Over recent months and years, I have noticed a considerable 'push' for prayer, and praying. Which, for me, Would I sit quietly in a room everyday, read a bible, think, and talk? No. I probably wouldn't.
But...
I play church music. I listen to it over and over again, I sing it, record it. I even conduct my imagination of it - whilst in the shower! When I am in certain pieces of music, in certain places, in certain situations, I just get That buzz. That connection, and that delight that keeps it going and going.
So I wonder, Is this prayer?
Is my connection with Church Music MY faith?
I tell you something. Yesterday, was profound. I played the organ in my home church and it leaves a buzz like none other.
Then, This church pledges that: When the day comes... They will welcome ALL at the altar for Blessing of Marriage, and will continue to welcome EVERYONE into God's house. This meant the world to me, because of course, I now fall into the LGBT community in two forms, both extremely contentious within the wider Church currently.
I have dreamed about getting married, I've dreamed about 'my wedding' at St Peter's, ever since I was a little boy. And now identifying as Ellie, I had kinda resigned to the fate that It would never happen! Hugs of Joy and thanks with the Rector, and another dear friend.
Then we got to Choral Evensong, It was the incredible Vince Cross who was on the organ, and from note one, I was buzzing again! During that last verse of the first hymn, The Richard Lloyd version, The organ was on Full blast. Every single note was spot on, and with the VC talent, it wasn't just full blast, It was full blast and then some! Dear friend and sublime soprano Amanda could tell you, my face nearly fell off from the joy that music brought to my heart.
Earlier in the day, I listened to a sermon from one very special little lady, and she spoke about her journey, from a little girl, to where she is today, All in her family church. - so much so that in acknowledging her time on placement at the church where this sermon was delivered, nearly referred to her Home church as where she was! The most amazing near slip of the tongue, based on devotion and love.
This, and the whole events of the day got me thinking about my upbringing in a church. From Sunday school age, I was always first bursting through the door during 'Holy, Holy, Holy' mostly to hear the tricks and flicks that VC made.
I soon Ditched Sunday School
Even at that age, I use to run around to the organ during the last hymn and watch with awe and delight. Although I was incredibly young, I think it must've been That buzz again.
Some years later, we sang In Christ Alone, and we do a 'bit inbetween' and upon not having it during practice, we did it again, and as soon as we sang that last E flat, we got that bit in-between, but in a slightly unexpected way, but perfectly executed, and I do it that way too, and have found it in other hymns too. It was those little moments of pure musical skill that shone, and brought that adrenaline again.
I definitely can say with a whole heart, that I wouldn't have this love for Church Music if it wasn't for Vince's talents and inspiring music. But I have never really had the real answer as to why. But in the heat of the moment, I lose it. I buzz, I am bouncing off the bloody walls, and my heart pounds.
Is this the Holy Spirit?
That Holy Spirit that all the more-religious-than-me folk speak about?
Because I have to say,
I think it probably is!
I often hide away from 'quiet services' where you have to sit in absolute silence, because I just can't do it! I cannot occupy my mind with stillness and utter nothingness. Unfortunately, my attention span swiftly finds something. finds something remotely daft, maybe recalls a memory, and God forbid, if someone sneezes. I just cannot hold myself still. I have never known why. I have only had the knowledge that mum is equally as gullible to 'That' sneeze.
But I now wonder, whether it is all starting to piece together.
Maybe the jigsaw puzzle is in the box, but I just don't have the capacity to fit the pieces together.
Church Music is MY faith,
Inspired from a young age by an incredible musician,
When the music hits me, it hits me hard.
When that adrenaline starts, it doesn't stop.
I can't do silence. I can't do nothing.
But Loud Organs, the Thud as those hands hit those keys.
Do it!
I re-word my opening statement:
Am I still Not the most religious person in church?
Is how I see my faith acceptable enough?
Is my lack of composure to do the silences as bigger issue as I worry about?
Does this make me want to Lead Worship?
Can I?
I looked at it before, but came back to the answer of No.
But is No the true answer?
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